


Underneath

by theearlymorningmist



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Depressive Episode, Dissociation, Drowning, Irondad, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Tony Stark, Sad Peter Parker, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Water
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 05:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17595569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theearlymorningmist/pseuds/theearlymorningmist
Summary: Peter Parker finds water equally terrifying and enticing.





	Underneath

**Author's Note:**

> Im in a mood, and water has always been my go to metaphor for mental health things. Sorry if the ending seems to happy-ever-after.
> 
> I also have a Tumblr for those who care, same user name. Imagines and Tony X Reader stuff.

All the worst moments of Peter’s life seemed to include water. Every time he looked up from tragedy or hurt the cool, dark eyes of water were right there staring back in eerie silence. Those eyes had watched him cry over Ben’s dead body as the rain washed the blood away. They watched him struggle for breath after Vulture had dropped him into a lake. They watched from a dark puddle as Peter cried out hopelessly for help when he was trapped under a building.

Always watching, always silent….

Silent, that was, until recently. Recently Peter felt like he was never free of water. Every single day felt like treading in a vast ocean with nowhere to rest in sight. The only place where he could lay down was at the bottom…and Peter wasn’t ready to look up from underneath just yet.

As the boy grew closer to Tony, and opened up to May about Spider-Man he had managed to form some islands out of those bonds. On days when he felt like he couldn’t swim any further in the eerie calm waters he could drag himself onto the shore of those islands, and find some rest in his loved ones.

But he always found himself back in the water. If he let himself close his eyes, he would wake up in the waves again. Peter tried hard not to close his eyes. He wasn’t always strong enough to fight it though.

It had been a bad day on top of a bad week. Peter felt like he had started the new school year off completely on the wrong foot. His head was fuzzy and he hadn’t been as excited for the challenge and learning as he usually was. He let his eyes slip closed for a moment, floating on his back and letting the waves of the day take him wherever. He trusted he wouldn’t drown if he stopped swimming for just a little while.

May, Tony, and Ned could all tell something was wrong. Peter wasn’t all there, just floating. They didn’t know, they couldn’t know, that the soft but dangerous current was pulling Peter further and further away from his islands.

It was 2 weeks later when Peter had the energy to open his eyes, and take in his surroundings. When he did, the boy wanted to scream. He was back where he had been before, alone in the middle of unfamiliar waters, no islands in site. Everything around him was just flat dark blue.

But this time he could hear the water. He could hear its sickeningly sweet voice promising it was warmer underneath, that it was quiet and safe. He could rest there. He didn’t have to keep swimming anymore, if he didn’t want to.

Peter knew he couldn’t listen. He had to keep swimming, and he had to find his way back to his islands. The boy forced himself, despite the exhaustion screaming in his bones. He forced himself to find the islands again.

Convincing himself to spend time with his loved ones was hard no matter how much he wanted and needed them near. He spoke slowly, forcing himself to pay attention and to participate, not just passively exist while everyone else lived around him.

He has a sleepover at Ned’s house. May is ecstatic that he’s willing to. Tony isn’t upset it means they miss their lab day, he’s happy and encouraging about it. But that night Peter has a dream.

He dreams that he’s on a boat. It’s a small boat, but he, May, Tony and Ned all fit in it. The waves pick up, and everyone looks in concern at Peter at the back of the boat, who is stood on the edge. They hit a particularly large wave and he doesn’t even realize that he’s falling backwards into the water.

He’s falling slowly, acutely aware of everything that is happening. From underneath, the water doesn’t seem so dark and choppy anymore. It’s calm and warm and clear. He can see the boat up above him getting smaller.

A rope of some sort is thrown to him, the other end held by his loved ones. Peter lifts a hand to grab the rope, but before his fingers touch he hesitates. He’s enjoying himself. The fall is soothing, and he feels safe. He didn’t feel safe up above.

He doesn’t grab the rope.

Instead Peter lets himself float further and further down until he reaches a sandy bottom which supports him like a soft billowy mattress. Looking up from underneath he is soothed by the light dancing playfully among the waves. He can feel the water hugging him comfortingly. He thinks the eyes don’t look so cold and cruel anymore. They’re sympathetic and welcoming.

He wakes up with a start when a door closes a little too loudly.

Peter immediately feels the hot sting of tears in his eyes. He wants to go back. He wants to be underneath again. It’s too cold on the surface and he didn’t understand how truly tired of swimming he was until he stopped.

Peter doesn’t tell anyone about the dream.

Over the next week Peter feels a deep and intense need to be around water in a way he’s never felt before. He spends extra time in the shower. He does his homework down by the ferry docks. Anything to be near it again. The feeling like he was in some kind of imaginary water only he could feel is gone, and he can’t help but look to the real thing to replace it.

He never thought he’d miss the water.

May senses a change in him- she was always good at doing that. But she knows he won’t open up to anyone but Tony. The adults make a plan for Peter to stay the weekend at the compound because of some reason or other.

The first night Tony doesn’t push Peter to talk about what’s going on in his world. They just watch some movies and then he sends the younger boy off the bed. As Peter is brushing his teeth he realizes his bathroom has a tub too, not just a shower. He recalls the euphoric calm of being underwater in his dream.

Before he can question himself, he’s filling up the tub with hot water.

Peter gets in, but doesn’t lay down. He hasn’t fully submerged his head underwater since that time with Vulture and the lake. He had been afraid. But ever since he lost his islands, and since that dream… underneath seems very appealing.

Slowly but surely, Peter lays down. It’s a fair sized tub, and he can lay head to toe without scrunching his body up. He lets his head fall back a bit, slowly- just enough so his ears are submerged.

The soft echoey noise is relaxing. He lets himself sink even further, closing his eyes as the water covers everywhere but his nose. It’s comfortable in an anxiously exciting way. But it’s not the same as the dream…he’s not really underneath.

With one last breath, Peter ducks his head completely underwater. Unlike in the dream, he doesn’t open his eyes. He keeps them closed and imagines the sandy feel from the dream, and the soft embrace.

He’s not sure how long he’s been underwater, but Peter’s body shoots up almost of its own will- his lungs screaming in agony for air. The boy almost chokes from gasping so hard. He is disoriented and upset. He wants the warmth and the quiet back. But this isn’t it. This isn’t even close. He feels cold, and he’s anxious to get every last bead of water off his body.

Almost manically, Peter dries himself off with a towel, shoving on whatever clothes he can first get his hands on. He crumbles to the ground, hair still wet, and clutches his knees to his chest tightly. The old water is back, the vast empty space that’s dark and cold. _No islands._ Peter thinks, his mind starting to spiral.

_No islands._

_Bad water above. Good water below._

_I want the good water._

_I wish I was underneath._

_Why can’t I be underneath? My islands. I can’t leave them._

_But I don’t see any islands. Just water._

_Bad water._

_I wish the rain had washed me away that night._

_I wish the parachute had dragged me to the bottom of that lake._

_I wish I could disappear down the drain too._

_I want to be underneath. Underneath._

Peter is only vaguely aware that someone has entered the room. Strong hands grip the boy’s shoulders, trying to bring him back to the present.

“Peter!” Tony calls, desperately.

_A rope._

“No.” Peter whimpers. He wants to sink. Why can’t they let him sink. “I don’t want the rope.” He argues, unaware he’s speaking aloud, as he fights to remove the hands.

He’s hyperventilating, barely getting any air in his lungs at all. But Peter can’t feel the burning or the tears or himself at all. He just feels the water, pulling him down further and further. He’s looking up from underneath and the surface is getting so far away he can barely see it anymore.

_Underneath. Underneath. Underneath._

“Pete, stay with me buddy!” Tony shouts, trying everything to snap the kid back into his body and calm him down. When nothing seems to be working, the older man just hugs his kid close. One hand pressing Peter into his body protectively, the other tangled in his wet curls.

“Please come back, Pete.”

The words are soft, barely audible. Miles underwater Peter hears them like a distant echo. He blinks, and he thinks he’s mistaken when he sees the rope still there, this deep down. He doesn’t think it’s possible…

The words echo again. _Please come back, Pete…. Please Pete…_

Peter remembers how soft and warm that island is. It’s softer than the bottom. It can be just as warm too. Beyond the rope he sees the shadows of his islands- they’re back. So close yet so far above him. He could go back…

Peter hesitates, reaching out and grabbing the rope. But the moment his fingers touch it, he’s above again. The boy snaps back into his body with a sharp gasp, the same way he came out of the bath. But this time it isn’t cold, this time Tony’s arms warm and comfort him. Peter catches his breath and turns to look up at his mentor’s soft brown eyes.

_A rope._

Peter decides to keep the rope. He decides to tie it around himself exactly how Mr. Stark’s arms are wrapped around his body. He’ll tie the other end of the rope to his islands, so he doesn’t ever float away from them again.

“Peter?” Tony asks. The boy smiles in response.

The water will always be there, but Peter likes land. And he has lots of islands to go to. Maybe one day he will even have his own island. But until then, the ones of his friends and family are enough to keep the water at bay.


End file.
